just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
