Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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