Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
