Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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