I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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