just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
