If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
