Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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