Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
