I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
