Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
