There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
