His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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