I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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