I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
