I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
