It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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