at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
