if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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