well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
