Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
