Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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