I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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