I think I died a long time ago.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
