Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm jealous of your bromance
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
