Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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