matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
