I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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