she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
