you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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