I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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