my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
