ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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