I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
