Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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