i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
