Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
