Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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