Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
