When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
