If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
