Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My ATM looks so different sober.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
