Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize