Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
