she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
