Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
