Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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