sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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