i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
