drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
