My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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