dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
