You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
