i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
