I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
