her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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