Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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