I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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