forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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