my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
