fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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