Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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